You choose Humility

I'm overwhelmed with Love - Lord help me! My heart is overflowing with love for your priests. Every priest I look at, I look at differently now. Each one is such a gift for us all. I no longer see a man following You Christ - no, this is much more. This is a man following You Christ so madly that he allows You to breathe through him so that You are again human, breathing, and giving up your life to us willingly every single day!

Humility runs through Your beloved Church like blood. You choose the smallest and most humble forms - You choose our tiny children in awe at the ants, butterflies and flowers that grow on weeds; You choose my husband's humour, You choose my nothingness, You choose my every friend who creates sunshine in pitch blackness; You choose a simple man's life to repeat what you did on Calvary; You choose tiny crumbs of bread to feed us Yourself, Your very flesh - the most humblest form imaginable.

In the retreat I'm searching for Your 'Glorious' Body - What is 'glorious'? Was expecting a million chanting angels adoring Your shining resurected Body- but You are coming to me in the most humble, tiny forms - surely this is GLORIOUS :)

Jubilee Year of the Priest

I am filled with happiness, Lord, that the 19th June starts the Jubilee year of the priest. I'm so so so glad that the whole world will be united in prayer for our priests- is it not by means of the hands and voice of a priest that YOU become the Priest : Sinless as YOU are, YOU offer Yourself and all us in YOU, to God our Father and to Yourself!!

Through the priest You come to us all in the most humblest of all forms, a tiny crumb of bread, without our beloved priests this is not possible and as St John Vianney (who hey! happens to be the new Patron Saint of priests :) said...

"Without the Holy Eucharist there would be no happiness in this world; life would be insupportable. When we receive Holy Communion, we receive our joy and our happiness. The good God, wishing to give Himself to us in the Sacrament of His Love, gave us a vast and great desire, which He alone can satisfy. In the presence of this beautiful Sacrament, we are like a person dying of thirst by the side of a river — he would only need to bend his head; like a person still remaining poor, close to a great treasure — he need only stretch out his hand. He who communicates loses himself in God like a drop of water in the ocean. They can no more be separated,"

- St. John Vianney

Humming all day..

Lord thank you for Danielle Rose. She is one of the many people I've never met in person, but it's like I know her so very well, and have known her all my life - I know why, it's because we DO meet very often in your Body, sweet Christ.

You know how dark it is for me in contrast to Your resurrection, and how I fear sometimes. I offer You all my waiting seconds, whether I am to stay in the dark or not, may I continue to wait joyfully in You.

(From Danielle Rose's Reason to Believe, I've been humming it all day:)

Is not the real miracle when you become the living sign,
When your heart changes from water into wine,
When all that sustains you becomes the Body of Christ?

I become His hands,
I walk with His feet.
Transubstantiation must occur
with each person that I meet.
Thy kingdom come and live today in me.

A Sheep Forgotten

I thank you for my little discussions with Ivan - you know how extremely important they are to me.

Today I told him, well almost told him - as I was about to say it I suddenly realised how crazy I was sounding - but I almost told him how yesterday when I heard him arrive it was like You arriving to me, and that it was so similar to the experience of You in the Eucharist, that the prayer words just came: 'Lord I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and I shall be healed!'. I didn't get that far hehe - just told him I prayed like I do before I receive You, or before You receive me rather.

And then the discussion began on whether You are in him or not - and of course thanks to the mighty Holy Spirit that went really well - there is no such thing as a forgotten sheep, no no. And lost sheep are very lucky and priveledged! God leaves all in search of just one :)) Oooh yeah talking not just from scriptures here..from personal data! :)

St Paul of the Cross

"Let weak and frail man come here suppliantly to adore the Sacrament of Christ, not to discuss high things, or wish to penetrate difficulties, but to bow down to secret things in humble veneration, and to abandon God's mysteries to God, for Truth deceives no man—Almighty God can do all things. Amen."

- St. Paul of the Cross

As ONE

Lord, my kids know they grew in my tummy not long ago. It's so amazing how they use this now - if I scold Adele she sulks often shouting 'I'm not in your tummy' and Tommy hugging and clinging on to me before he sleeps often says 'Wana go in your tummy'. Thoughts of my children and how they lived in my womb as part of me, but not me, yet unique individuals, makes me think of us and You! As a mother I too miss my children being part of me, and sometimes place my hand on my tummy and feel it empty without them. Loving them as madly as all mothers love their own, as they sleep snuggled close to us at night, I almost want them back inside were my very life gives them life.

Holding on

As I wait, for You, my head still resting on your tombstone, these words give me so much comfort-

"For as the rain comes down and the snow from the sky, and doesn't return there, but waters the earth, and makes it bring forth and bud, and gives seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
so shall my word be that goes forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing I sent it to do."

Isaiah 55: 10-11

The chatting ladies :)

Just in case you ever come check all this foolishness spilling from my lips (or fingers that type away), I found this pic, Fefi, and wouldn't you agree that must be us, sipping our coffees and having our chats! Miss you habiba mill-kbar nett xxx

Talking Freely

Today I met my friend Sr Anne. I thank you so much for her friendship - I can talk to her so freely. It is such a relief to talk about YOU freely. I shouldn't mind what people think, but it's not what they think about me that worries me most, it's that I might portray You in a way that will repel others from You - oh this worries me so much. That I might shoo a sheep away. I know I was repelled by certain talk and attitudes a long time ago - and You more than anyone else knows where that lead me to.

You have no need to talk about Me - if you stay in Me, I simply talk for Myself, through you, and not necessarily with words but actions.

:) thank you

Watch over me, Ivan, Adelina, Tom, my parents, brothers, sisters inlaw, nephews and nieces, kunjati, and my friends - how i love my friends so much! All of them, and the ones I miss so much, may I meet more often in You in the Eucharist.

xxx

A bumpy day

It's almost half ten and I'm exhausted, but it's been a lovely day - not because everything went completely smoothly, but that even during the bumpy times of the day, your grace was ready for whenever I needed to receive it.

Another day resting in the retreat. You know how I miss you now. Did I really believe in all that you were? I am hoping, waiting, but at times it's so hard - I saw you suffer, die before my eyes..where are you now? I miss you so much. I rest my head at the stone of your tomb, for I can no longer sleep on your feet.

During mass today every word of every prayer was as heavy as a rock sinking inside me. And then every word of every prayer uttered, the readings of the Word, every person in silence or uttering, every song and note reached all became part of the tiniest crumb of bread that I too so unworthily became part of: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!" Isaiah 43:1

Warm Moments

I thank you so much for warm moments, which mean so very very very much to me! Like recently how Ivan places his arm over me; for the humour -it feels so good to laugh till I'm in tears, for worrying so much less about unimportant things and just getting certain jobs done without grumbling. Your grace is limitless. You have done so much for me. You create me constantly, right now. So unworthy am I to receive all these gifts - how can I ever repay such love?

How can I repay the LORD for all the good that he has done for me?
I will take the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD.
I will keep my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people.

Psalm 116:12-14

Gratitude spills

Lord, as usual I only have feeble words to express my gratitude to You! So good is the news you have given my family yesterday, that I'm just awe-struck. All I could do was wash the car, make the house sparkle, hang up the clothes - labouring and straining my back with love for You and my family. You have filled me with perfect joy, who am I to say you are within me, that I am full of You?! I am noone, nothing - but then in You I am so blessed, I am utterly complete, it feels like heaven :)) I want to give you myself at its very best: this is my very best- so full of YOU and so little of me- so I give you back YOURSELF. My whole body is full of gratitude surely it must spill out of me, because I cannot contain it!!

Stay with me, I beg You, so I may give the joy of YOURSELF to my family, my friends, and of course to You; it is so refreshing to offer my whole joyful self.

Bless us Christ, Saviour of the Whole World.

"I throw myself at the foot of the Tabernacle like a dog at the foot of his Master."

- St. John Vianney

Darkness again

It is still 2pm here, but it suddenly feels dark. I have taken you in a piece of bread, taken You fully and now I realise that this is ALL that makes sense - the insanity of it, if you could say, the insanity is what makes this gift so great. It does not make sense to our human mind. It is beyond all imagination, it is beyond our thoughts, it is beyond our brain - I cling on to You. You know how dark it is for me right now, and yet for the first time ever since these moments have started to come and go, I see this as a good thing. To love you in the dark, beyond the capacity of my brain - means that you are not a figment of my imagination - oh no, you are very REAL and so so so beyond me and my mind - I stand now in the dark, blank but it is fine as You are with me and it is not my mind that is saying so. It is You.

Fill me with your love Lord that I might carry out my duties from now till night time as you want me to. Through your grace let me love my children will all my heart, cook something tasty, go for a walk with my family on the Earth you created for us, sleep rested in You and nothing else.

"God in his omnipotence could not give more, in His wisdom He knew not how to give more, in His riches He had not more to give, than the Eucharist."

- St. Augustine

..."He draws us to Himself by grace, by example, by power, by lovingness, by beauty, by pardon, and above all by the Blessed Sacrament. Every one who has had anything to do with ministering to souls has seen the power which Jesus has. Talent is not needed. Eloquence is comparatively unattractive. Learning is often beside the mark. Controversy simply repels... All the attraction of the Church is in Jesus, and His chief attraction is the Blessed Sacrament,"

- from "The Blessed Sacrament", by Fr. Faber

Loud Silence

I hope that knowing some others may be reading my talking to You, won't make me change anything I say. I've allowed my husband to read whatever I say to You, and now I suddenly feel aware that these writings may appear very odd. Oh dear.

Does it matter what it appears, Maria? - No, it doesn't. All I want to do is stay focused on You. You are all that matters, all Life, every breath we draw, what else could matter- nothing else can, because You are everything.

I can't wait to be part of You physically again Lord. In the retreat today I thought of how You became an object during your Passion..it saddened me so much, that You said not a word while we spat on You, ridiculed You, whipped You, loaded the cross on You. You chose to be defenseless, to be an object - and in this I see your divinity shine brighter than in any other eloquent words You shared with us - this is You the LOVE of God speaking as loud as can possibly be in Your silence while we crucify You! Here too You hide your divinity. So alike is this to You in the Eucharist. As we hold You in our hands, we are holding You silent, meek and perfectly receptive Christ, and in this humblest of all forms - a simple crumb of bread - it is plain to understand that only You God by your divine nature can choose to be hidden here, completely silent, yet loving us with a force beyond comprehension, and saving us while doing so.

On my knees is not enough, how can I possibly act out what I feel inside for this Love you have for us? In small things only can I do so sweet Lord my Love, tiny insignificant things like washing the floor, reading to my children, cooking... It is all I can do. Bless my every action Christ, and bless everyone I love so dearly.

Longing

What is this longing? I long to be with you again sweet Lord - your altar is only 5 mins away from me :))

However I sometimes wonder if this is all my imagination - then I remember the words of St Therese:

"Do you realize that Jesus is there in the tabernacle expressly for you - for you alone? He burns with the desire to come into your heart...don't listen to the demon, laugh at him, and go without fear to receive the Jesus of peace and love..."

- St. Therese of Lisieux

May you grant it that I laugh heartily at the eternal loser and rejoice for infinity in our Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ.

I'm coming to you now Lord, if you will have me. I will run to you. Though I know I'm not worthy, only through your Love is this possible.

Stillness

I am a little worried Lord. I read that the author Henri Nouwen also went through very dark and dull places during prayer and this really scares me. I so enjoy the stillness, the communion - the senses. I need to feel, my goodness, what will happen if I stop feeling? And yet I know you are beyond this, and I know that you will give me grace to continue even if you stop my feelings. Still it scares me right now.

All I want to do is reveal You to everyone I meet. I want to be invisible, may everyone see only You, sweet Christ, our Saviour.

Bless my children Adelina and Thomas, and my husband Ivan - keep them in your embrace, that when with You I am also with them together.

from me

Falling in love again

I adore you Christ in the Eucharist. Sweet humble crumb of bread. All life, all existence, all that is, is there in your Body that we so unworthily consume and eat. It is through grace that my heart, soul and mind burn for You in the Eucharist - through your gift only, not at all through me. Like today a typical day : I sit lowly and empty and I feel myself dark in the blankness. Then as I get up and move towards You, you yourself make me burn and shine and there I am walking towards you, a Bride head over heals in love! Who can't wait to touch her Bridegroom's sweet lips and sleep in his strong arms.

I can't thank You properly Lord, there are no words of gratitude to express what I feel for the gift of Yourself, your whole self in the Eucharist. I simply can't wait till the next time I am in communion with You - physically touch and eat You and in You all who I love and who love You, all who have loved You, all who will love You - all together in Love, head over heels in love with one another and with You :)

"In one day the Eucharist will make you produce more for the glory of God than a whole lifetime without it."

- St. Peter Julian Eymard

Trust

If only I could trust You totally. Noone else, nothing else, just lying in your arms, knowing that you are holding me and that you will never take your eyes off me. There is nothing else in the whole wide world that I want. To learn how to trust You, and fear nothing.

I would entrust everything to You, my life, my children, my husband, my parents, my worries, my every thought, my whole being- all totally entrusted totally and fully to You. Nothing else would matter: Total dependence on You and delight in it.

Psalm 27: 4, 14
I have asked one thing from the LORD. This I will seek: to remain in the LORD's house all the days of my life in order to gaze at the LORD's beauty and to search for an answer in his temple.
Wait with hope for the LORD. Be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Yes, wait with hope for the LORD.