To be with

Sweet Lord, I'm missing people dear to me. I think of their faces, voices, the way they move and miss being with them even more. I long to spend time with them. Then I remember Sr Rose and how physically cut off she now is from all her loved ones. Yet she does spend time with them all, each and every one, in You, in the Eucharist. Teach me-that when I miss people I love so much, I can find them so easily in You - we can still spend time together in You. How I long for You. The desire You create in me is so strong it is almost painful dear dear sweet Lord- how do you create us like this, it is such a tremedous gift.

"When we gather at the Table, we are closer than our breath,
Even nearer than the angels, when we touch His very flesh,
Dwelling in each other's presence, I will hold you close inside,
Every soul in Heaven and Earth is now present in the Body of Christ."
(CD Pursue Me, Danielle Rose)

The Trinity

"If God is not a Trinity, God is not love. For love requires three things: a lover, a beloved, and a relationship between them."

Peter Kreeft

Delight in weakness

Dearest, dearest Lord.
I am so weak, but I rest in You, and am so happy like this. This is a grace you have given - to delight in my frailty, my vulnerability in You. Oh what a sweet sweet taste is this. You ask me, 'am I not always more glorious than you could ever imagine?' and all I can answer to that is yes, yes sweet Lord.

As I sink into the waves

Fearful me again :(
You know my greatest fears, and only You can take them away.
They are so beyond me, I'm tired Lord.
In my mind over and over again I hear the words
'Your life is not yours for losing',
'You belong to me',
and it gives me such consolation.
Teach me that I have no claim on my life,
and so it is not mine for losing.
Please teach me till this truth is as the air I breathe.

'Oh God come to my aid,
Oh Lord make haste to help me'

Adoro te devote

(St Thomas Aquinas)

1. Godhead here in hiding, whom I do adore,
Masked by these bare shadows, shape and nothing more,
See, Lord, at thy service low lies here a heart
Lost, all lost in wonder at the God thou art.

2. Seeing, touching, tasting are in thee deceived:
How says trusty hearing? that shall be believed;
What God's Son has told me, take for truth I do;
Truth himself speaks truly or there's nothing true.

3. On the cross thy godhead made no sign to men,
Here thy very manhood steals from human ken:
Both are my confession, both are my belief,
And I pray the prayer of the dying thief.

4. I am not like Thomas, wounds I cannot see,
But can plainly call thee Lord and God as he;
Let me to a deeper faith daily nearer move,
Daily make me harder hope and dearer love.

5. O thou our reminder of Christ crucified,
Living Bread, the life of us for whom he died,
Lend this life to me then: feed and feast my mind,
There be thou the sweetness man was meant to find.

6. Bring the tender tale true of the Pelican;
Bathe me, Jesu Lord, in what thy bosom ran---
Blood whereof a single drop has power to win
All the world forgiveness of its world of sin.

7. Jesu, whom I look at shrouded here below,
I beseech thee send me what I thirst for so,
Some day to gaze on thee face to face in light
And be blest for ever with thy glory's sight.
Amen.

the holy cross

the cross is my sure safety
it is the cross that i ever adore
the lord's cross is with me
the cross is my refuge

st tom aquinas

in hospital with me

from my hospital bed i type to You
here i try hard to embrace the Holy Holy Cross, and as st Thomas Aquinas find that The Cross is my refuge
to surrender all to You oh sweet Father what joy is hidden in this, a joy too great that overflows from my miniscule being
joy in abundance while i cling to the Holy Holy Cross...what is this contradiction?

may i bless Your name at all times
tiny me

'i will bless the Lord at all times
his praise continually on my lips

proclaim with me the greatness of the Lord
let's acclaim his name together'

psalm 34: 1, 3

Singing Over the Abundance

This is constantly on my mind Lord, that not only do you know what makes us happy, You know what makes us even happier and You desire to give us this- joy in abundance - if only we are open enough to You.

"Out of the depths You cry, 'Come and be satisfied', Father You sing, Father You sing over your children. Let us see through Your eyes, we are your great delight, Father You sing, Father You sing over your children." Matt Maher (Cd Alive Again)

"I did not choose You, You have chosen me, to go bear fruit abundantly; I did not choose You, You have chosen me, Oh God in Your mercy, pursue me." Danielle Rose (CD Pursue Me).



xxx

Step 1: Our Best

I am very angry. My finger is just about to press the 'send' button on my mobile.
Help me Lord I cry.
You say, Is that the best you can do?
I stop short. No. I can do better than that. I delete the message and move away.

Only when I've done my very best and can physically do no more, only then do you warmly welcome my cry. First and foremost You trust us to do our very best.

Bless us all Lord. xxx

You act on our behalf

"When You did awesome things which we did not expect, You came down, the mountains quaked at Your presence. For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear, Nor has the eye seen a God besides You, Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him." Isaiah 64: 3-4

Lord, You know our deepest deepest desires - when we have no clue what these are. We think we know, we think we have it all 'worked out' - then You give us things outside of our plan - 'things which we did not expect'. Then we realise that what you have given us, is YOUR plan and is just what we want - the very core of our happiness - given to us, without our even asking for it.

Two small unexpectancies all at once. How can I thank you for this love you show us? It is impossible to do so properly - physically impossible. How small I am.
May we sleep at your feet tonight - the five of us :)
Maria

Pursue Me

I bow down to the ground, my hair spills all around
I am kissing your feet, I am wiping them dry because I believe that:
You deserve to recieve all of my life, anything less Lord would not be enough,
I'll lavish you Lord with all I have received, I will spend my whole life to annoint you as King.

..and

As you lay down your life, for the Body of Christ
You will stand in my place offering sacrifice for the sheep

Danielle Rose (in Pursue Me)

A dog or more?

Lord, You know we have a dog now. Silga. The ugliest dog I have ever seen. The smelliest also. It is such a test for me. Ivan loves this creature. I am strugglling Lord - teach me through this dog. Teach me, teach me. Grant me the grace to learn from a dog. To open my family to welcome even a dog. Gladly welcome this creature and carry out all the work involved with great love - and silently.

Bubbles

Sweet Lord,
I was playing with the children in the bath, and I started making bubbles for them. Huge bubbles from soap. I breathe gently into my hand and they grow - from nothing. From no bubble, to a beautiful huge, fragile bubble. We are so like these bubbles Lord. Made from your breath that gently blows life in us. It was a very beautiful moment. I enjoyed it, and so did our little ones :) Thank you.

One HOPE

"you were also called to the one hope of your call;
one Lord, one faith, one baptism;
one God and Father of all,
who is over all and through all and in all."

Among the Thorns

"Some seed fell among thorns,
and the thorns grew with it and choked it.

As for the seed that fell among thorns,
they are the ones who have heard, but as they go along,
they are choked by the anxieties and riches and pleasures of life,
and they fail to produce mature fruit." Luke 8:4-15

You know my fears, how I am often petrified, paralyzed in fear. I give you my fear. Every single thorn, You can remove all at once - just by looking at them. I place them all in your hands. Please do it for me.

Changing Water into the finest Wine.

I typed away my anger to You. Poured out my heart to you. Hid nothing from you. Called it what it was: hatred. Take it away from me I beg You. For I simply can't. I am physically incapable of removing hatred and anger. I am physically incapable. Please take it away from me I hear him fill the bucket with water in the yard. I hear him splash the mop the floor - all of a sudden there You are burning with Love inside me for Him.

I asked that you take it away from me - yet not only did you do this, you replaced it with sheer Love. Oh how I love him, and what a tremendous gift from YOU is this love. As he lies on the bed snoring, again here You are loving him with every inch of my whole being. Oh how I love him, what a gift. How can I ever thank you enough!

To Blunder..

The more time dwelt upon it, the more my blunder seems like a very generous gift from You my Lord, and just what I needed - but it does not reduce the sadness at having blundered so badly.

Obedience

(Moses) Therefore, I teach you the statutes and decrees as the LORD, my God, has commanded me, that you may observe them in the land you are entering to occupy. Observe them carefully, for thus will you give evidence of your wisdom and intelligence to the nations, who will hear of all these statutes and say, 'This great nation is truly a wise and intelligent people.' For what great nation is there that has gods so close to it as the LORD, our God, is to us whenever we call upon him? (Deut 4: 5-7)

“When you have come to the edge of all the light you have
And step into the darkness of the unknown
Believe that one of the two will happen to you
Either you'll find something solid to stand on
Or you'll be taught how to fly!”

-Richard Bach

Who can listen to it?

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in yourselves." ... When they heard this they said, “This is a difficult statement; who can listen to it? He said to them, “Does this cause you to stumble? ... As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore (Jn6: 53,60, 66)

St Augustine

Who shall grant me to rest in Thee? By whose gift shall Thou enter into my heart and fill it so compellingly that I shall turn no more to my sins, but embrace Thee my only good?

(From Confessions, ed. Foley)

God says of Moses:

"Throughout my house he bears my trust" (Num 12:7)

I long for you to rest Your trust in me, I long to be trustworthy. I ask for this grace, if it is for my good and my family's.

Like a stone turning over

"Sometimes when I cannot go out on account of the weather, I spend time
inside holding the holy host – the Body of Christ. I place my hands on it
and it signifies my touch on God within my darkness. It is like a stone
turning over, turning my inner conflict to inner peace though faith."

Fr Cyril Axelrod (2008) in
http://www.newstatesman.com/blogs/the-faith-column/2008/04/god-touch-life-smell-senses

(Deafblind priest and author of 'And the Journey begins'.

Mary at Jesus' feet

“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things.
There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part
and it will not be taken from her.”

Sweet Moses :))

Il-Mulej kien ikellem lil Mose wicc imbwicc, bhalma bniedem ikellem lil habibu;

Mose kellem lill-Mulej u qallu: Ara, int ghedtli 'Tala' lil dan il-poplu', u ma ghidtlix lil min se tibghat mieghi. U int ghedt: 'jien nafek b'ismek, u int sibt ukoll hniena f'ghajnejja.' U issa, jekk jien tassew sibt hniena quddiemek, ghallimni triqatek biex naghrfek u nsib hniena quddiemek. Qis ukoll li dan il-gens hu l-poplu tieghek.

U l-Mulej wiegeb: "Il-prezenza tieghi tigi mieghek, u nserrahlek rasek."

U qallu: "Jekk il-prezenza tieghek ma tigix maghna, itellaghniex minn hawn. Kif se nkun naf jekk sibtx hniena quddiemek, jien u l-poplu tieghek? M'hux ghax inti timxi maghna?"

"Jekk jien tassew sibt hniena quddiemek, ja Sidi, ha jigi Sidi go nofsna, nitolbok; ghax dan hu poplu rasu iebsa. Ahfrilna hzunietna u htijietna, u hudna b'wirt ghalik."

(Ex 33:11-13; 34:9)

Desert

A grain of sand in the desert now. When will it rain, when will dew settle? Will I grumble like the Izraelites and prefer slavery to the famine in the desert? Will I put you to the test God? Grant me the grace, never ever to do so.

Strange as it may seem, this is a place that is to be yearned for:

"Who will give me wings like a dove, to fly away and find rest?
How far I would escape and make a nest in the desert?" Psalm 55

If only I could

"Do not say, think, or do anything unless you see that it is pleasing to God and helpful to others." St Ignatius of Loyola

Mary re: Risen Christ :)))

"She thought it was the gardener" Jn 20:15

....

Oh Lord, I want to love You more,
Oh Lord, how can I love You more
Oh Lord, I am but very small,
Oh Lord, right to Your feet I fall..

The Atom of Jesus-Host

"If I am despised by the world,
If it considers me as nothing,
A divine peace flood me.
For I have the Host as my support.
When I draw near the ciborium,
All my sighs are heard…
To be nothing is my glory.
I am the atom of Jesus…"

- The Atom of Jesus-Host St. Therese of Lisieux

Saint George Preca

Ibni, aghtini qalbek (Kliem Alla: Prov. 23, 26)
Binti, aghtini qalbek.

Sinjur Alla, Inti ikkmandajtni biex naghtik qalbi: ghalhekk ghatini l-grazzja tieghek biex jiena inkun nista' naghtihielek, ghax mingharjek ma nistghu naghmu xejn.

Ahna zguri li inti taghtina din il-grazzja la darba inti ikkmandajtna biex naghtuk qalbna, meta ahna nitolbuhielek ghall-glorja teighek, u ghall-gid taghna.

Ghatini l-grazzja tieghek, u jiena naghtik qalbi. Ammen.

(Silta minn 'Ftuh il-Qalb: Talb tal-Qaddej t'Alla, Dun Gorg Preca' L-Ewwel
Ktieb (1998), p. 111.)

To Hide

"Hide me in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 17:8
Hide me, hide me, hide me Lord. Grant me the grace to delight in hiding in You.

Delight in Weakness

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said to me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

St Ignatius

Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty,
my memory, my understanding and my whole will.
All that I am and all that I possess You have given me.
I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will.
Give me only Your love and Your grace;
with these I will be rich enough,
and will desire nothing more.

-St Ignatius of Loyola

Dew drops

As parched as a leaf in the dezert am I.
I'm reminded of water
by the dew that settles at night:
In the cuddles of our children
as they sleep in our bed, and
in Ivan's warmth and that look on his face.

Yet, I know who I am.
I know how strong my sin is.
I am overcome by its strength,
sadened so much I feel ill.
Look at me- You know,
I'm in a million zillion pieces.
My unworthiness alone is whole
that is all I have to give You -
that and a scattered mess.
Stay away from me oh Lord :(

A little girl in a photo

While trying to be silent
to hear you pray in me,
I see a little girl in a photo,
So beautiful is her little face,
So small is she.

I feel Your love burn inside me for her little soul.
Oh how You love the way she loves You.
She is so tiny, her smile so warm.
You want to hold her in your arms and comfort her.

I hear you pray in me,
I could never do this.
I could never pray for this little girl -
I see faults, weaknesses,
one who keeps falling over and over again.

You see Your creation, you see a diamond -
I see only dust
for this tiny child is me.

Earsplitting Love

I am so very happy for this Jubilee year of the priest.

As always Lord, your Love shouts loudest in the most humbling situations: in a newborn lying in a manger, in a carpenter, in a man riding on a donkey, in the washing of feet, in Your last breath drawn while hanging on the Cross, in the very gift of Yourself: a tiny Crumb of Bread. So You choose a simple man, full of weakness and limitations, a sinner, a priest – You break bread and give to all with his hands, You breathe life to the world through his lungs. In every priest Lord, Your love is so loud it is deafening.

Sainte Therese

I cannot receive Thee in Holy Communion as often as I should wish ; but, O Lord, art not Thou all powerful? Abide in me as Thou dost in the Tabernacle—never abandon Thy Little Victim.

-Saint Therese of the Child Jesus

St Anselm and me

"I adore and venerate you as much as ever I can, though my love is so cold, my devotion so poor. "

- St. Anselm (Archbishop and Doctor of the Church)

A Fistful of Sand

I am but a grain of sand.
How can I be part of You?
You hold me, that one grain of sand,
in Your palm,
and take me to our Father.
Yet if a grain of sand could weep, I weep bitterly -
look how small I am
- I am one tiny grain of sand
useless, passive, lifeless,
blown with the wind,
and carried away by rain -
Why do you hold me in Your palm?

Without each grain, there is no sand.

Resting in Your palm, I am a grain of diamond.
Your palm is the beach that holds us together,
Your palm is the landform, dune, sea bed, shore and coast;
and tiny diamond grains of sands are we.

Full moon

The moon is shining as bright as ever,
it sings loud and gloriously to You.
The sheer curtains move with the breeze,
dancing for You.
You are everywhere.
I'm so fearful - keep holding me.

Do it for me

I can't pray - how could I ever have thought I could?
All I can do is ask You to do it for me..
please Christ, I beg You, do it for me.

Maria

'A Life for a Life'

But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

Shhhh....

I long for silence now.
I apologize for my noise. Been singing this to You all week..

Lonely rivers flow to the Sea, to the Sea
to the open arms of the Sea
lonely rivers sigh 'wait for me, wait for me
I'll be coming home, wait for me.

Oh my Love my darling, I hunger for your touch,
a long lonely time,
and time goes by so slowly
''-and time can do so much,
are you still MINE??''
'I need Your Love, I need Your Love
God speed Your Love to me'

(Unchained Melody)

'am I still Yours??' ma nafx :(

You choose Humility

I'm overwhelmed with Love - Lord help me! My heart is overflowing with love for your priests. Every priest I look at, I look at differently now. Each one is such a gift for us all. I no longer see a man following You Christ - no, this is much more. This is a man following You Christ so madly that he allows You to breathe through him so that You are again human, breathing, and giving up your life to us willingly every single day!

Humility runs through Your beloved Church like blood. You choose the smallest and most humble forms - You choose our tiny children in awe at the ants, butterflies and flowers that grow on weeds; You choose my husband's humour, You choose my nothingness, You choose my every friend who creates sunshine in pitch blackness; You choose a simple man's life to repeat what you did on Calvary; You choose tiny crumbs of bread to feed us Yourself, Your very flesh - the most humblest form imaginable.

In the retreat I'm searching for Your 'Glorious' Body - What is 'glorious'? Was expecting a million chanting angels adoring Your shining resurected Body- but You are coming to me in the most humble, tiny forms - surely this is GLORIOUS :)

Jubilee Year of the Priest

I am filled with happiness, Lord, that the 19th June starts the Jubilee year of the priest. I'm so so so glad that the whole world will be united in prayer for our priests- is it not by means of the hands and voice of a priest that YOU become the Priest : Sinless as YOU are, YOU offer Yourself and all us in YOU, to God our Father and to Yourself!!

Through the priest You come to us all in the most humblest of all forms, a tiny crumb of bread, without our beloved priests this is not possible and as St John Vianney (who hey! happens to be the new Patron Saint of priests :) said...

"Without the Holy Eucharist there would be no happiness in this world; life would be insupportable. When we receive Holy Communion, we receive our joy and our happiness. The good God, wishing to give Himself to us in the Sacrament of His Love, gave us a vast and great desire, which He alone can satisfy. In the presence of this beautiful Sacrament, we are like a person dying of thirst by the side of a river — he would only need to bend his head; like a person still remaining poor, close to a great treasure — he need only stretch out his hand. He who communicates loses himself in God like a drop of water in the ocean. They can no more be separated,"

- St. John Vianney

Humming all day..

Lord thank you for Danielle Rose. She is one of the many people I've never met in person, but it's like I know her so very well, and have known her all my life - I know why, it's because we DO meet very often in your Body, sweet Christ.

You know how dark it is for me in contrast to Your resurrection, and how I fear sometimes. I offer You all my waiting seconds, whether I am to stay in the dark or not, may I continue to wait joyfully in You.

(From Danielle Rose's Reason to Believe, I've been humming it all day:)

Is not the real miracle when you become the living sign,
When your heart changes from water into wine,
When all that sustains you becomes the Body of Christ?

I become His hands,
I walk with His feet.
Transubstantiation must occur
with each person that I meet.
Thy kingdom come and live today in me.

A Sheep Forgotten

I thank you for my little discussions with Ivan - you know how extremely important they are to me.

Today I told him, well almost told him - as I was about to say it I suddenly realised how crazy I was sounding - but I almost told him how yesterday when I heard him arrive it was like You arriving to me, and that it was so similar to the experience of You in the Eucharist, that the prayer words just came: 'Lord I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word and I shall be healed!'. I didn't get that far hehe - just told him I prayed like I do before I receive You, or before You receive me rather.

And then the discussion began on whether You are in him or not - and of course thanks to the mighty Holy Spirit that went really well - there is no such thing as a forgotten sheep, no no. And lost sheep are very lucky and priveledged! God leaves all in search of just one :)) Oooh yeah talking not just from scriptures here..from personal data! :)

St Paul of the Cross

"Let weak and frail man come here suppliantly to adore the Sacrament of Christ, not to discuss high things, or wish to penetrate difficulties, but to bow down to secret things in humble veneration, and to abandon God's mysteries to God, for Truth deceives no man—Almighty God can do all things. Amen."

- St. Paul of the Cross

As ONE

Lord, my kids know they grew in my tummy not long ago. It's so amazing how they use this now - if I scold Adele she sulks often shouting 'I'm not in your tummy' and Tommy hugging and clinging on to me before he sleeps often says 'Wana go in your tummy'. Thoughts of my children and how they lived in my womb as part of me, but not me, yet unique individuals, makes me think of us and You! As a mother I too miss my children being part of me, and sometimes place my hand on my tummy and feel it empty without them. Loving them as madly as all mothers love their own, as they sleep snuggled close to us at night, I almost want them back inside were my very life gives them life.

Holding on

As I wait, for You, my head still resting on your tombstone, these words give me so much comfort-

"For as the rain comes down and the snow from the sky, and doesn't return there, but waters the earth, and makes it bring forth and bud, and gives seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
so shall my word be that goes forth out of my mouth: it shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing I sent it to do."

Isaiah 55: 10-11

The chatting ladies :)

Just in case you ever come check all this foolishness spilling from my lips (or fingers that type away), I found this pic, Fefi, and wouldn't you agree that must be us, sipping our coffees and having our chats! Miss you habiba mill-kbar nett xxx

Talking Freely

Today I met my friend Sr Anne. I thank you so much for her friendship - I can talk to her so freely. It is such a relief to talk about YOU freely. I shouldn't mind what people think, but it's not what they think about me that worries me most, it's that I might portray You in a way that will repel others from You - oh this worries me so much. That I might shoo a sheep away. I know I was repelled by certain talk and attitudes a long time ago - and You more than anyone else knows where that lead me to.

You have no need to talk about Me - if you stay in Me, I simply talk for Myself, through you, and not necessarily with words but actions.

:) thank you

Watch over me, Ivan, Adelina, Tom, my parents, brothers, sisters inlaw, nephews and nieces, kunjati, and my friends - how i love my friends so much! All of them, and the ones I miss so much, may I meet more often in You in the Eucharist.

xxx

A bumpy day

It's almost half ten and I'm exhausted, but it's been a lovely day - not because everything went completely smoothly, but that even during the bumpy times of the day, your grace was ready for whenever I needed to receive it.

Another day resting in the retreat. You know how I miss you now. Did I really believe in all that you were? I am hoping, waiting, but at times it's so hard - I saw you suffer, die before my eyes..where are you now? I miss you so much. I rest my head at the stone of your tomb, for I can no longer sleep on your feet.

During mass today every word of every prayer was as heavy as a rock sinking inside me. And then every word of every prayer uttered, the readings of the Word, every person in silence or uttering, every song and note reached all became part of the tiniest crumb of bread that I too so unworthily became part of: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!" Isaiah 43:1

Warm Moments

I thank you so much for warm moments, which mean so very very very much to me! Like recently how Ivan places his arm over me; for the humour -it feels so good to laugh till I'm in tears, for worrying so much less about unimportant things and just getting certain jobs done without grumbling. Your grace is limitless. You have done so much for me. You create me constantly, right now. So unworthy am I to receive all these gifts - how can I ever repay such love?

How can I repay the LORD for all the good that he has done for me?
I will take the cup of salvation and call on the name of the LORD.
I will keep my vows to the LORD in the presence of all his people.

Psalm 116:12-14

Gratitude spills

Lord, as usual I only have feeble words to express my gratitude to You! So good is the news you have given my family yesterday, that I'm just awe-struck. All I could do was wash the car, make the house sparkle, hang up the clothes - labouring and straining my back with love for You and my family. You have filled me with perfect joy, who am I to say you are within me, that I am full of You?! I am noone, nothing - but then in You I am so blessed, I am utterly complete, it feels like heaven :)) I want to give you myself at its very best: this is my very best- so full of YOU and so little of me- so I give you back YOURSELF. My whole body is full of gratitude surely it must spill out of me, because I cannot contain it!!

Stay with me, I beg You, so I may give the joy of YOURSELF to my family, my friends, and of course to You; it is so refreshing to offer my whole joyful self.

Bless us Christ, Saviour of the Whole World.

"I throw myself at the foot of the Tabernacle like a dog at the foot of his Master."

- St. John Vianney

Darkness again

It is still 2pm here, but it suddenly feels dark. I have taken you in a piece of bread, taken You fully and now I realise that this is ALL that makes sense - the insanity of it, if you could say, the insanity is what makes this gift so great. It does not make sense to our human mind. It is beyond all imagination, it is beyond our thoughts, it is beyond our brain - I cling on to You. You know how dark it is for me right now, and yet for the first time ever since these moments have started to come and go, I see this as a good thing. To love you in the dark, beyond the capacity of my brain - means that you are not a figment of my imagination - oh no, you are very REAL and so so so beyond me and my mind - I stand now in the dark, blank but it is fine as You are with me and it is not my mind that is saying so. It is You.

Fill me with your love Lord that I might carry out my duties from now till night time as you want me to. Through your grace let me love my children will all my heart, cook something tasty, go for a walk with my family on the Earth you created for us, sleep rested in You and nothing else.

"God in his omnipotence could not give more, in His wisdom He knew not how to give more, in His riches He had not more to give, than the Eucharist."

- St. Augustine

..."He draws us to Himself by grace, by example, by power, by lovingness, by beauty, by pardon, and above all by the Blessed Sacrament. Every one who has had anything to do with ministering to souls has seen the power which Jesus has. Talent is not needed. Eloquence is comparatively unattractive. Learning is often beside the mark. Controversy simply repels... All the attraction of the Church is in Jesus, and His chief attraction is the Blessed Sacrament,"

- from "The Blessed Sacrament", by Fr. Faber

Loud Silence

I hope that knowing some others may be reading my talking to You, won't make me change anything I say. I've allowed my husband to read whatever I say to You, and now I suddenly feel aware that these writings may appear very odd. Oh dear.

Does it matter what it appears, Maria? - No, it doesn't. All I want to do is stay focused on You. You are all that matters, all Life, every breath we draw, what else could matter- nothing else can, because You are everything.

I can't wait to be part of You physically again Lord. In the retreat today I thought of how You became an object during your Passion..it saddened me so much, that You said not a word while we spat on You, ridiculed You, whipped You, loaded the cross on You. You chose to be defenseless, to be an object - and in this I see your divinity shine brighter than in any other eloquent words You shared with us - this is You the LOVE of God speaking as loud as can possibly be in Your silence while we crucify You! Here too You hide your divinity. So alike is this to You in the Eucharist. As we hold You in our hands, we are holding You silent, meek and perfectly receptive Christ, and in this humblest of all forms - a simple crumb of bread - it is plain to understand that only You God by your divine nature can choose to be hidden here, completely silent, yet loving us with a force beyond comprehension, and saving us while doing so.

On my knees is not enough, how can I possibly act out what I feel inside for this Love you have for us? In small things only can I do so sweet Lord my Love, tiny insignificant things like washing the floor, reading to my children, cooking... It is all I can do. Bless my every action Christ, and bless everyone I love so dearly.

Longing

What is this longing? I long to be with you again sweet Lord - your altar is only 5 mins away from me :))

However I sometimes wonder if this is all my imagination - then I remember the words of St Therese:

"Do you realize that Jesus is there in the tabernacle expressly for you - for you alone? He burns with the desire to come into your heart...don't listen to the demon, laugh at him, and go without fear to receive the Jesus of peace and love..."

- St. Therese of Lisieux

May you grant it that I laugh heartily at the eternal loser and rejoice for infinity in our Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ.

I'm coming to you now Lord, if you will have me. I will run to you. Though I know I'm not worthy, only through your Love is this possible.

Stillness

I am a little worried Lord. I read that the author Henri Nouwen also went through very dark and dull places during prayer and this really scares me. I so enjoy the stillness, the communion - the senses. I need to feel, my goodness, what will happen if I stop feeling? And yet I know you are beyond this, and I know that you will give me grace to continue even if you stop my feelings. Still it scares me right now.

All I want to do is reveal You to everyone I meet. I want to be invisible, may everyone see only You, sweet Christ, our Saviour.

Bless my children Adelina and Thomas, and my husband Ivan - keep them in your embrace, that when with You I am also with them together.

from me

Falling in love again

I adore you Christ in the Eucharist. Sweet humble crumb of bread. All life, all existence, all that is, is there in your Body that we so unworthily consume and eat. It is through grace that my heart, soul and mind burn for You in the Eucharist - through your gift only, not at all through me. Like today a typical day : I sit lowly and empty and I feel myself dark in the blankness. Then as I get up and move towards You, you yourself make me burn and shine and there I am walking towards you, a Bride head over heals in love! Who can't wait to touch her Bridegroom's sweet lips and sleep in his strong arms.

I can't thank You properly Lord, there are no words of gratitude to express what I feel for the gift of Yourself, your whole self in the Eucharist. I simply can't wait till the next time I am in communion with You - physically touch and eat You and in You all who I love and who love You, all who have loved You, all who will love You - all together in Love, head over heels in love with one another and with You :)

"In one day the Eucharist will make you produce more for the glory of God than a whole lifetime without it."

- St. Peter Julian Eymard

Trust

If only I could trust You totally. Noone else, nothing else, just lying in your arms, knowing that you are holding me and that you will never take your eyes off me. There is nothing else in the whole wide world that I want. To learn how to trust You, and fear nothing.

I would entrust everything to You, my life, my children, my husband, my parents, my worries, my every thought, my whole being- all totally entrusted totally and fully to You. Nothing else would matter: Total dependence on You and delight in it.

Psalm 27: 4, 14
I have asked one thing from the LORD. This I will seek: to remain in the LORD's house all the days of my life in order to gaze at the LORD's beauty and to search for an answer in his temple.
Wait with hope for the LORD. Be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Yes, wait with hope for the LORD.

Teach my hopelessness

You know how I crave for You - after all this is your gift to me, it is nothing of my doing - I yearn to receive You every single day, through your grace. And yet so often I am to stay away. Again I was so close today, and yet could not come to You and be joined to all the souls on Earth, in Heaven and those to come - how I yearn to be united to all. I have no words to express my gratitude for this gift of your whole self in a humble crumb of bread - for coming as close as is physically possible; for allowing us to touch, see, taste You.

And besides all this, you want to give me more! You say, in the retreat, that I now need to learn how to receive my husband as I do You in the Eucharist. When I hear the car park outside our door, hear the door open, his footsteps climbing our stairs - in Ivan too it is You coming to me. Teach me Lord, for I am hopeless, but You can open my eyes to this reality too, if you want to.

"Were not our hearts burning within us while He was speaking to us on the road" Lk 24:32

I adore You Christ, our Saviour - I beg you help me stay with You.

..before I switch off

..oh and before I go, I love you very very much. You know that already right :)
Sweetest dearest of all, keep me and my loved ones as close to you as possible. May we sleep at your feet tonight.

from
your child, tiny me

Transfiguration - light or dark?

What a day Lord. Worried, scared, hoping for You, and finally seeing you shining bright in my husband as he eased my little worries, and I could finally feel his warmth.

Was thinking about the Transfiguration (Mt 17) and was wondering if this was a Light or Dark moment. Peter and James fell on their faces, overcome with fear - was it pure light or pitch darkness, or the Light in darkness? I am with Peter and James face down on the Earth, terrified out of my wits - but what more could we want, when the next sentence is 'And Jesus came to them and touched them and said, "Get up, and do not be afraid." You touch us, and encourage us to keep going, and with Your touch and encouragement - we can.

...ready, steady - am I?

Ok this is my first attempt. Yikes.
Here goes... one, two, three, click!